I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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