Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
