Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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