Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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