You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
