Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Come see our sink grown plant.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
