I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize