she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
