It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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