Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
