dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
