The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
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