I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
