Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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