hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
