I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
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I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
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Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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