glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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