i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize