Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
