Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
