I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
