Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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