wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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