Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
