So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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