my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
