She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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