so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I have fence marks all over my body
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
