remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
