So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Yup. One sock.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life