my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
