I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I'm jealous of your bromance
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
