im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
