mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize