this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
