I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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