i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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