i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
