He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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