I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
