giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
