Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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