I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
