I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
