my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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