also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
