I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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