I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
