he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
