You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
