Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
