Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
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