my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
