I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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