man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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