is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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