he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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