Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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