Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Randomize
