theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
