She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
