He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
